Quotes from Ron White


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People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.


You can tell on-stage when a joke's starting to lose its pop. It doesn't mean people don't want to hear it anymore; it means I don't want to do it anymore. Because I want to move on to something that has a knee-jerk reaction just like you get when you tell somebody a joke that they've never heard.


Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!


I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.


There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.


When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.


I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.


But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.


The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.


I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.


I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.


I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.


There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.


You can't fix stupid.


The next time you have a thought... let it go.


I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.


Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.


I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.


I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.


I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.