Fish recognize a bad leader.

- Conan O'Brien

In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.

- Conan O'Brien

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

- Conan O'Brien

It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.

- Conan O'Brien

There's good random, and there's bad random. There's good silly and there's bad silly, and you've gotta know the difference.

- Conan O'Brien

Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.

- Conan O'Brien

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

- Conan O'Brien

The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.

- Conan O'Brien

People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment.

- Conan O'Brien

According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.

- Conan O'Brien

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.

- Conan O'Brien

There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.

- Conan O'Brien

When all else fails there's always delusion.

- Conan O'Brien

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

- Conan O'Brien

Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.

- Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.

- Conan O'Brien

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

- Conan O'Brien

This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

- Conan O'Brien

Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.

- Conan O'Brien

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.

- Conan O'Brien