This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

- George Burns

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

- George Burns

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

- George Burns

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

- George Burns

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

- George Burns

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

- George Burns

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

- George Burns

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

- George Burns

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

- George Burns

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

- George Burns

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

- George Burns

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

- George Burns

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

- George Burns

How can I die? I'm booked.

- George Burns

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

- George Burns

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

- George Burns

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

- George Burns

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

- George Burns

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

- George Burns

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

- George Burns