Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

- Emo Philips

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

- Emo Philips

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

- Emo Philips

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

- Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

- Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

- Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

- Emo Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

- Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

- Emo Philips

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

- Emo Philips

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

- Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

- Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

- Emo Philips

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

- Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

- Emo Philips

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

- Emo Philips

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

- Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

- Emo Philips

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

- Emo Philips

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

- Emo Philips