The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

- W. C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

- W. C. Fields

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

- W. C. Fields

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

- W. C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

- W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

- W. C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

- W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

- W. C. Fields

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

- W. C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

- W. C. Fields

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

- W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

- W. C. Fields

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

- W. C. Fields

I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.

- W. C. Fields

I like children - fried.

- W. C. Fields

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

- W. C. Fields

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

- W. C. Fields

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

- W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

- W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

- W. C. Fields