How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

- Spike Milligan

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

- Spike Milligan

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

- Spike Milligan

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

- Spike Milligan

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

- Spike Milligan

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

- Spike Milligan

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

- Spike Milligan

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

- Spike Milligan

It's all in the mind, you know.

- Spike Milligan

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

- Spike Milligan

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

- Spike Milligan

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

- Spike Milligan

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

- Spike Milligan

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.

- Spike Milligan

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

- Spike Milligan

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

- Spike Milligan

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

- Spike Milligan

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

- Spike Milligan

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

- Spike Milligan