I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

- Artie Lange

My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly and catch them well. It was great training for when I started to play on teams, which I did all through school.

- Artie Lange

Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he's pulling it out of thin air.

- Artie Lange

People are so nice, you know. It's such a credit to Howard Stern - the audience base that he created is such a special thing. It took him a long time to create this family of fans, and I was lucky to be a part of that for a while.

- Artie Lange

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.

- Artie Lange

When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.

- Artie Lange

It's good to be alive.

- Artie Lange

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

- Artie Lange

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

- Artie Lange

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

- Artie Lange

To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me!

- Artie Lange

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

- Artie Lange

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

- Artie Lange

I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

- Artie Lange

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

- Artie Lange

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

- Artie Lange

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

- Artie Lange

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

- Artie Lange

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

- Artie Lange

When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But the worst trick time plays on you is just how slowly the worst times in your life take you to live through.

- Artie Lange