I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

- Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

- Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

- Phyllis Diller

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

- Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

- Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

- Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

- Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

- Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

- Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

- Phyllis Diller

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

- Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

- Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

- Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

- Phyllis Diller

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

- Phyllis Diller

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

- Phyllis Diller

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

- Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

- Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

- Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

- Phyllis Diller