I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

- Erma Bombeck

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

- Erma Bombeck

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

- Erma Bombeck

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

- Erma Bombeck

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

- Erma Bombeck

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

- Erma Bombeck

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

- Erma Bombeck

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

- Erma Bombeck

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

- Erma Bombeck

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

- Erma Bombeck

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

- Erma Bombeck

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

- Erma Bombeck

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

- Erma Bombeck

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

- Erma Bombeck

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

- Erma Bombeck

God created man, but I could do better.

- Erma Bombeck

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

- Erma Bombeck

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

- Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

- Erma Bombeck

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

- Erma Bombeck