Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

- Les Dawson

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

- Les Dawson

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

- Les Dawson

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

- Les Dawson

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

- Les Dawson

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

- Les Dawson

The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.

- Les Dawson

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

- Les Dawson

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

- Les Dawson

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

- Les Dawson

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

- Les Dawson

When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.

- Les Dawson

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'

- Les Dawson

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

- Les Dawson

You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge.

- Les Dawson

Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.

- Les Dawson

I know my name will always be linked with women.

- Les Dawson

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

- Les Dawson

Slumps don't bother me.

- Les Dawson

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

- Les Dawson