Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

- Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room.

- Groucho Marx

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

- Groucho Marx

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

- Groucho Marx

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

- Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

- Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

- Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

- Groucho Marx

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

- Groucho Marx

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

- Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

- Groucho Marx

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

- Groucho Marx

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

- Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

- Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad.

- Groucho Marx

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

- Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

- Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

- Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.

- Groucho Marx

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

- Groucho Marx