Quotes from John Oliver


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Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.


There is so much cross-pollination between the U.S. and Britain in terms of comedians. British TV comedies work well in the U.S. American stand-ups make it big in Britain.


Stand-up comedy seems like a terrifying thing. Objectively. Before anyone has done it, it seems like one of the most frightening things you could conceive, and there's just no shortcut - you just have to do it.


I have occasionally - if ever I do interviews that are difficult or nerve-wracking - I take my wife's dog tags and have them in my pocket because it's a very quick way to realize that what I'm doing is not that important. It's not really worth getting stressed about because it's not, you know, war.


Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect.


I wanted to be a soccer player. I knew that couldn't happen.


I'm not really much of an actor, so when I started on 'The Daily Show,' I was just trying to adopt the faux authority of a newsperson. Having a British accent definitely gave me a sonic leg up on that because there is a faux authority to the British accent in and of itself.


If I wanted to take a more activist or journalistic slant in work, I should probably just go be an activist or a journalist. But I'm happy being a comedian.


I'm British; pessimism is my wheelhouse.


My first 'Daily Show' piece was pretending I had this terrible immigrant journey, so I went to talk to an immigration lawyer who would help out people, and I ran into him in Penn Station about three months after I'd gotten the green card. I said, 'I got my green card yesterday.' And he hugged me because he understood that level of relief.


I get nostalgic for British negativity. There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers. When you go back to Britain, everybody is just running everything down. It's like whatever the opposite of a hug is.


Sometimes it's good to remember how bad food can be, so you can enjoy the concept of flavour to the fullest.


Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you.


Australia turns out to be a sensational place, albeit one of the most comfortably racist places I've ever been in. They've really settled into their intolerance like an old resentful slipper.


I think puns are not just the lowest form of wit, but the lowest form of human behavior.


Attending a Sarah Palin rally was simultaneously one of the strangest and most chilling events of my life.


I do one accent - my own. I can make it louder or quieter. That is the sum total of my vocal range. I thought I could do an American accent until I tried it in front of an American - the expression of horror is still burnt onto my retinas.


Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.


I've made so many people angry that they kind of blur into one unpleasant memory of people staring at you with somewhere between passive aggression and active aggression.


I did sketch comedy, but I never did improv. So I've just tried to learn as I go.