I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

- George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

- George Carlin

Religion is just mind control.

- George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

- George Carlin

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

- George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

- George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

- George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

- George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

- George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

- George Carlin

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

- George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

- George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

- George Carlin

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

- George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

- George Carlin

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

- George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

- George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

- George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

- George Carlin

Always do whatever's next.

- George Carlin