Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

- Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

- Joan Rivers

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

- Joan Rivers

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

- Joan Rivers

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

- Joan Rivers

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

- Joan Rivers

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

- Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

- Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

- Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

- Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

- Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

- Joan Rivers

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

- Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

- Joan Rivers

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.

- Joan Rivers

I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

- Joan Rivers

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

- Joan Rivers

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

- Joan Rivers

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

- Joan Rivers

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

- Joan Rivers