When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

- Mitch Hedberg

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

- Mitch Hedberg

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

- Mitch Hedberg

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

- Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

- Mitch Hedberg

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

- Mitch Hedberg

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

- Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

- Mitch Hedberg

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

- Mitch Hedberg

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

- Mitch Hedberg

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

- Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

- Mitch Hedberg

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

- Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

- Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

- Mitch Hedberg

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

- Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

- Mitch Hedberg

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

- Mitch Hedberg

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

- Mitch Hedberg

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

- Mitch Hedberg