My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

- Woody Allen

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

- Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

- Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

- Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

- Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

- Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

- Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

- Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

- Woody Allen

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

- Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

- Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

- Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

- Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

- Woody Allen

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

- Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

- Woody Allen

I am two with nature.

- Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

- Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

- Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

- Woody Allen