If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

- Johnny Carson

We're more effective than birth control pills.

- Johnny Carson

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

- Johnny Carson

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

- Johnny Carson

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

- Johnny Carson

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

- Johnny Carson

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

- Johnny Carson

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

- Johnny Carson

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

- Johnny Carson

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

- Johnny Carson

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

- Johnny Carson

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

- Johnny Carson

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

- Johnny Carson

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

- Johnny Carson

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

- Johnny Carson

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

- Johnny Carson

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

- Johnny Carson

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

- Johnny Carson

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

- Johnny Carson

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

- Johnny Carson