I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

- Dave Barry

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

- Dave Barry

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

- Dave Barry

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

- Dave Barry

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

- Dave Barry

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

- Dave Barry

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

- Dave Barry

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

- Dave Barry

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

- Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

- Dave Barry

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

- Dave Barry

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

- Dave Barry

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

- Dave Barry

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

- Dave Barry

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

- Dave Barry

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

- Dave Barry

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

- Dave Barry

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

- Dave Barry

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

- Dave Barry

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

- Dave Barry