Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

- Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

- Henny Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

- Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

- Henny Youngman

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

- Henny Youngman

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

- Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

- Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

- Henny Youngman

Take my wife... Please!

- Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

- Henny Youngman

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

- Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

- Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

- Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

- Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

- Henny Youngman

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

- Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

- Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

- Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

- Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

- Henny Youngman