If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend or, perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while.

- Tom Lehrer

The people who were in college in the '50s were my first real audience, and their kids, the people who found my records in the cabinet during their 'Mad 'magazine years picked me up also.

- Tom Lehrer

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.

- Tom Lehrer

An actress must never lose her ego - without it she has no talent.

- Tom Lehrer

In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can't say 'girl.'

- Tom Lehrer

On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

- Tom Lehrer

Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize.

- Tom Lehrer

There's something mathematically satisfying about music: notes fit together and harmony and all that. And mathematics has to do with abstractions and making connections.

- Tom Lehrer

I didn't feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel.

- Tom Lehrer

Think as you work, for in the final analysis, your worth to your company comes not only in solving problems, but also in anticipating them.

- Tom Lehrer

Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

- Tom Lehrer

Bad weather always looks worse through a window.

- Tom Lehrer

Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your .

- Tom Lehrer

I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery.

- Tom Lehrer

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

- Tom Lehrer

I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity.

- Tom Lehrer

If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it.

- Tom Lehrer

Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

- Tom Lehrer

Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it.

- Tom Lehrer

My last public performance for money was in 1967. For free, it was 1972, with the exception of two little one-shot, one-song things. But that's just for friends, out of friendship for the people involved, and also because it was fun.

- Tom Lehrer