Quotes from Mark Twain


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Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.


Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.


Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.


A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.


It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.


Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.


Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.


When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.


A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.


The secret of getting ahead is getting started.


Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.


When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.


It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.


One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.


The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.


Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.


Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.


The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.


I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'


If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.